Loveless Coffee Shop
by empressfate
Summary: Genesis has started a coffee shop to make some cash on the side of his SOLDIER job. AU where everyone is somehow alive & together at the same time, and not wanted criminals. T just cause I might as well.
1. Chapter 1

"I never expected you to do something like this, Genesis." The silver haired man said, sipping his fresh black coffee while scanning the newspaper sitting on the counter.

"Well, the rent is cheap, and I might as well make some cash on the side, since SOLDIER doesn't pay very much." Genesis said, wiping off a table where some little Wutai girl had spilled her milk while throwing a fit. "Besides, don't you think it's lovely? The woodwork is quite nice, considering it used to be a bar. The lighting is a little dim for a coffee shop, though." He took the orders of two teenage girls, one wearing pink and the other wearing some weird suspenders and a short shirt.

"It's still sinking in, though…" Sephiroth said, stirring his coffee.

"I was never really a fighter, anyway. Who knows, maybe if this place takes off I'll quit SOLDIER and just spend my days in this cozy little shop." Genesis said dreamily. He really enjoyed the atmosphere of his new coffee shop; the heat and aroma of the high-grade coffee, the soft chattering of customers, the way he felt like a king when he welcomed the visitors into his kingdom...

Just as Genesis was spacing off, fantasizing with big sparkles in his eyes, an infuriatingly obnoxious voice cut through the atmosphere of the café.

"Hey, Genny!" Kadaj said, Yazoo and Loz in tow. "I want a chocolate frappachino with extra whipped cream. Got it? Extra!"

"I want a large iced unsweetened green tea." Yazoo said while scaring the little girl that had spilled her milk.

"I want a puppy!" Loz thought they were asking Santa for presents. Santa must be the guy wearing red leather behind the counter. Santa wore red, right?

"Say please." Sephiroth instructed his adopted sons while lazily reading about a recent volcano explosion that killed some famous guy named Hideki Ryuga.

"Please, Genny?" Kadaj looked up innocently at Genesis, blinking cutely.

Yazoo put an arm around the red-clad man's waist, trying to charm him. "We'll be good, big brother Genesis."

It all probably would have worked, and the three would probably all have their drinks, if Loz hadn't taken the opportunity to sit on 'Santa's' lap and rattle off the things he wanted.

"No." Genesis, exhausted by the three's antics already, said. "Sephiroth, **take them home**."

"I'm not done with my coffee."

"_**I don't care.**__"_

"Aw, but Genny, I thought you luffled us." Kadaj and Yazoo said in unison, pouting.

"Yeah, Genny. Waffle." Loz said, lagging behind in both voice and mind.

"Stop reading girly fanfic online. It's bad for your brain." Genesis scowled.

"And your grammar." Sephiroth added.

Yazoo seemed the most affected. Did Genny and Sephy really know about the yaoi he read?

"Can I have a pony, too?"

"Loz, that's big brother Genny, not Santa." Kadaj said to his stupid brother.

"Whaaat?" Loz was stupefied, well...flabbergasted.

"Santa's big and fat and Australian, dummy."

"About that, Kadaj, Santa isn't real." Sephiroth said lazily.

"WHAAAAT!" Four voices chorused, sending the pigeons on the gutter flying away.

"How is that possible!" Yazoo asked.

"This is a conspiracy!" Kadaj yelled.

"Mooommmmmyy!" Loz cried.

"Sephy, is…is that true?" Genesis questioned, taking hold of the silver-haired man's shoulders.

"You have got to be kidding me." Sephiroth said as he removed his reading glasses.

**Another day ~dang, now I've got that song stuck in my head.**

It was a slow day at the LOVELESS café owned by the popular 1st class SOLDIER, Genesis. As you can imagine, because the café used to be a bar and the fact that LOVELESS is also a yaoi manga, a few people enter thinking that it's a gay bar.

Such is what happened this fateful afternoon. Genesis was tidying up a vase full of lovely red lilies when Reno and Tseng walked in.

"C'mon, maybe you'll finally find that special someone." Reno said to the glowering man beside him. Ever since the idea popped into his head that Tseng was gay, he had been pestering him at every opportunity to go to a bar with him.

"Reno, I know that one fangirl swore up and down that I was homosexual, but I can assure you that _**I am not gay**__."_

It was then the two noticed Genesis, who was now chuckling into his ultra-deluxe limited edition _Loveless_ book.

An awkward silence ensued **(A/N And we all know what awkward silences mean!)**

"This, this isn't what it looks like!" Reno said, acting like he'd been put in an awkward position. He pushed the actually embarrassed Tseng out the door. "Well it was nice seeing ya!"

Cissnei and Elena, who had been sipping tea and gossiping before the other Turks came in, broke out in unrefined laughter.

"Did you see the look on Tseng's face!" Cissnei snorted.

"I did! He looked like a tomato!" Elena squeed.

"I got a picture of it with my phone!" Marlene announced cheerily, popping up from behind the fake bush Genesis had placed near the entrance.

"Kyaa! I want it! I want it!" Elena and Cissnei shouted in unison.

"Five-hundred gil, and it's all yours." The little girl said with a wink.

"I'll take it!" The two Turks said.

Genesis grinned as the fangirls oooh-ed and aaah-ed over their find. The coffee shop was getting more exciting by the day.

**A/N The general idea behind this is Genesis owns a coffee shop in an AU FF7 world with a messed up time setting where Yazoo, Kadaj, and Loz can appear right next to Zack and Cissnei. **

**I may or may not continue it, but if you review, it boosts your chances by 2.75 each review I receive.**

**You could suggest characters to appear~ ;)**

**I do not own any spin-off of Final Fantasy VII. Wheee~ spinspinspiiiiin. :D XD X) :3 :P :D **

**D': I feel dizzy**


	2. A Fashionable Funeral

"Hey, Genesis." The silver trio sang in unison, sending off the bell chime on the door.

The café echoed their entrance, answering only with silence.

"Where could he be?" Kadaj asked, searching for Genesis in the cabinets under the sink.

"Genny, we're thirsty! Get your ass out here!" Yazoo was checking the bathroom (the men's and the women's. He can get away with it.)

"Does this mean Genny is…dead?" Loz sat down and started sucking his thumb and crying.

"He can't be!" Kadaj and Yazoo both yelled.

"Genny is like Sephy! They're the kind of people who never die!" Kadaj was freaking out, his eyes were wide open and he was beginning to make dramatic arm motions.

Yazoo was speechless; the conversation made him seriously whether Genny or Sephy was the mommy to the triplets. Which made him think of the obvious seme/uke implications of that…

Loz was beginning to tear up, the skin around his eyes beginning to wrinkle. "Waah! Sephy died, too?"

"Impossible!" Kadaj was now facing imaginary listeners and talking dramatically. "We saw Sephy just this morning, didn't we! He told Loz to stop drinking all the milk!"

"This is a conspiracy." Yazoo whispered, also dramatically. He had finally gotten over the whole 'which one is uke' thought process. "Someone had to eliminate the top two SOLDIERs. They must've gotten Sephy right after we saw him, so that the missing person alert wouldn't be put out."

"But Genny lives alone…" Kadaj was now sitting down, raptly contemplating Yazoo's theory.

Yazoo pointed a finger up, as if he was a detective explaining some hypothesis. "Precisely. So they could have gotten him at any time between last night, when the coffee shop closed, and now, when the coffee shop is supposed to be open."

"It's a detective story!" Loz yelled. "Who dun it?"

"Yeah, who'd wanna eliminate them! We need a suspect! A suspect!" Kadaj had gotten detective hats and gloves for the three of them out of a closet in Genesis's shop.

"I suspect the Turks! They think they're so sneaky with their custom-designed suits and high paychecks!" Yazoo shouted. "Everyone knows suits went out of style years ago! It's all about leather now!"

"Yeah! Leather brings sexy back!" Loz said. "They must've killed them because they were jeleous of Genny and Sephy's fashion sense!"

"Indubitably, my dear Loz." Kadaj puffed the pipe that came with his outfit. "This is most surely a fashion- motivated crime!"

"So the only way to resolve this case," Yazoo mused. "is to hold a fashion show featuring both us, the fashionable leather wearers, and those lame-brain Turks, who are so last week."

"I'll get our outfits!" Kadaj volunteered.

"Good! Make sure they're smexy." Yazoo said, giving his brother the thumbs-up sign.

"I'll send the Turks an invitation letter!" Loz got his trusty paper and markers out.

"Good! Make sure you insult their mother!" Yazoo gave another thumbs-up sign.

"But what will you do, big brother Yazoo?" Loz asked.

"I," Yazoo said, with some sparkles of fabulousness, "will practice my modeling while watching _Desperate Housewives_."

**~In the Turks office, a little while later~**

"Sir, a letter." Cissnei said, walking into Tseng's office.

"What does it say?" Tseng asked in monotone, without looking up from his paperwork.

"Uh, I don't really know…" she said, studying the document.

"What do you mean by that?" Tseng asked, diverting his attention away from the report he was trying to fill.

"Well, it looks like a kid wrote it with a magic marker…Do you have any nieces or nephews?"

"Not that I can recall."

"Then…" Cissnei said, "A son or daughter?"

"What? Of course not!" Tseng blinked as a camera flash filled the room.

"Got it!" Elena sang, holding a camera. "Red as a button, yet again!"

"You mean cute right? Hee hee. But he _is_ blushing quite a bit. Good job, Elena!"

"You want a copy, Cissnei? It won't come cheap."

"But it was _my_ plan to use that letter we got…"

"I'm the one that found the letter. So _ha._"

Tseng sat back down at his desk, knowing full well that yet another embarrassing picture of him would be circulating around the fangirl network by morning. All according to plan.

**At the LOVELESS café, at the arranged time of the fashion show.**

"Dammit! Where are they!" Yazoo yelled.

"Stop moving around! I'm still fixing your hair!" Loz complained.

"Hmph. They must've chickened out. And we fixed the shop up all nice, too…"

"Don't cry, Kadaj." Yazoo teased, admiring himself in the full length mirror.

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" A somehow familiar voice asked from the doorway.

The three whipped around, thinking that they surely heard wrong.

"GENNY!" they yelled in unison, running to glomp the man.

"Uh, what exactly are you guys doing?" Genesis asked, not entirely sure how to take this newfound attention. "Why is there a catwalk in my café? And why is Yazoo in drag?"

"We thought you were dead!" Kadaj cried, looking up at him with tears in his eyes.

"We miiiisssed youuu!" Loz sobbed, getting tears on Genesis's coat.

"We were going to have a fashion show to defend your honor." Yazoo said, wiping a dramatic tear from his heavily-makuped eye.

"Uh, on second thought, I don't really wanna know…"

"Why weren't you at the shop! You scared us!"

"It's Sunday, so I open it a little late so I can sleep in…"

The trio face-palmed.

"Where is Sephy, then?" Kadaj asked.

"Sephiroth had to work today…didn't you see him this morning?"

**A/N Sorry, I accidentally made it focus around the mini-Sephiroths this time around…But they're so cute! :)**

**Reviews are welcome, you can even suggest characters to appear~**

**Reviews increase the chance of continuation by 2.75 each. :D**

**Like last chapter, I don't own FF7, its spin-offs, or even a Yazoo plushie :'(**


	3. What not to say to another guy

It was yet another quiet day in the LOVELESS café. Genesis was humming the theme song to Ouran High School Host Club, Reno was drinking his 15th cup of uber-sweetened coffee, Zack and Cloud were debating the politics of SOLDIER, but aside from all that it really was a quiet day. Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz weren't even there.

Just then, a scary samurai-looking guy with a long red cape and a red panther walked through the door. "Welcome!" Genesis said cheerily (He was in a good mood because the Remnant kiddos weren't there today.) "What would you like today, sir?"

"I want a skinny latte." Nanaki said, jumping up onto a chair.

"I've never had coffee before…" Vincent said, looking at Nanaki pleadingly (Nanaki was the one who suggested they get coffee).

"Can he get a sample?" Nanaki asked Genesis. "And fix your face. I'm not _that_ ugly."

"No…you're just…so cute…" Genesis had recently acquired a liking for cats, ever since Angeal gave him a ginger Persian stray a few weeks ago. Recovering his dignity, "Ah, yes, a sample. I'll get right on that."

"So did they not have coffee back then?" Nanaki wondered as Genesis made Vincent's coffee.

"They had it…I just never got around to trying it."

"What did you do when you had to pull all-nighters, then?"

"I didn't…"

"Gentlemen, your coffee is ready." Genesis came back, holding a completely full tray of little coffee cups.

"So did you see the chocobo races yesterday?" Nanaki asked, trying to make a pleasant conversation while Vincent sipped the various coffees.

"No, but I heard Sweet Revenge won by a mile." Genesis said, inviting himself into the conversation.

"I wasn't asking you…" Nanaki muttered. The café owner kinda creeped him out for some reason. "Actually, I heard it was a little less decided. Calm Chocolate was a shockingly close second, considering its pretty young."

As the two bickered about the race, Vincent had begun thinking. His cape was red. The café owner's jacket was red. Nanaki was red…

"It's like a vase of flowers." Vincent said, shocking Genesis and Nanaki.

After they both gave him a 'wtf are you talking about' look, Nanaki asked, "Did you lose all your social skills while you were asleep?" But what he really meant was, "Do you realize how gay that sounded?"

Genesis went back to washing tables.

**A/N This chapter is short cause I'm about to lose all internet access for another week! So next possible update will be next weekend, but hopefully I'll get a few more chapters written by then, so all I'll have to do is upload them~**

**I don't own the FF7 merry-go-round X3**

**It bothers me. If you're reading the third chapter of this, you have SOMETHING to say! Even if its 'I like it.' Or 'I don't like it' REVIEW!~ I can tell when you read all three chapters, y'know! ;)**

**:D**


	4. Sephiroth, we need a guard dog

"We need a guard dog." Genesis said to Sephiroth, who had temporarily taken over the café so Genesis could rest his weary feet.

After an epic inner monologue over if he should or shouldn't ask how Genesis came up with that, Sephiroth asked, "What sparked this idea?"

"Well," Genesis began, "what if a burglar breaks in?"

"You're a first-class SOLDIER. You can handle an army of behemoths. A burglar can't be _that_ much of a problem." Sephiroth countered, still unsure of Genesis's mental state. He HAD been working a lot lately…

"But what if I have my hands full with keeping the boiler from exploding?"

"I'm here most days…is there something wrong with the boiler? Should I fix it?" Sephiroth wondered once again whether questioning Genesis's thought processes was a good idea.

"I said _what if_. The boiler was fine, last I checked. But what if you were at the _Loveless_ play?"

"Then the customers could handle it. There's usually a few SOLDIER and Turks hanging around. Why am I at the _Loveless_ play and you're keeping the boiler from exploding?"

"Because you decided to teach me a lesson by pretending to be obsessed with _Loveless_ while I was trying to teach you a lesson by taking care of the big jobs myself. One of my plans backfired and I sent the boiler into critical state." Sephiroth facepalmed. He _really_ should stop questioning Genesis's special brand of logic. "And what if it's a Sunday and there's no customers?"

"There _are_ no showings of _Loveless_ on Sunday." Sephiroth said, exasperated. Wait, why did _he_ know that? He'd never even seen that play.

"What if you were at one of my famous recitals of the musical?" Oh yeah, Genesis _did_ try to drag him to a play. At least he quit when Sephiroth blew up the road they were driving on.

"Then there'd be no one to keep the boiler from exploding and there would be no café to burglarize." Sephiroth stated, content that he had finally won the argument.

"What if the café _itself_ was the burglar?"

Sephiroth facepalmed again and took a hi-potion for his headache.

**~Another Day~**

Reno and Tseng, who had become regular customers at the _Loveless_ café (they know it's a coffee shop and not a gay bar now), were sipping their coffees when a giant moogle flew directly into Genesis's face.

_Bam!_ The sound of breaking glass filled the café. All curious heads turned to see what the commotion was about.

"I-I'm so sorry, kupo!" The moogle apologized. "I was flying around with my eyes closed to see how lucky I was today!"

Genesis seethed, his beloved leather jacket drenched with orange juice (thank the Goddess it wasn't coffee). "Not very lucky, moogle." He sneered, drawing his blade (which for security reasons he kept on his person at all times, even when in the café.)

The crowd was eagerly watching, everyone had heard how legendary a fighter the café owner was, and they wanted to see some grilled moogle!

"Please! Kupo! I'll do anything! Spare me!" The doomed moogle cried. "I'll even tell you where my stash of dirty magazines is, kupo!"

"Anything?" Genesis questioned, halting his blade for a moment. The crowd gasped, thinking that Genesis was willing to spare the moogle merely for some pervy mags. "Then how about you become my new guard dog, hm?"

"Guard dog, kupo…?"

"Yes. Guard the shop when I'm dealing with a crisis underground and Sephiroth is watching a play."

The moogle had tears in his eyes, knowing that he would be selling his soul to some crazy person with their own brand of common sense. But it had to be better than dying…right, kupo? Gulp. "Okay, kupo. Whatever you say."

"Good." Genesis smiled, reached down and patted the little indentured moogle's pom pom. "I think I'll name you Benjamin."

And so, Benjamin the Doomed Indentured Moogle became the _Loveless_ café's official guard dog.

"But my name is-"

"Hush!" Kadaj hissed, raising a finger to his lips. "This chapter is _over_! Can't you tell by the resolution-filled ending sentence!"

"S-sorry, kupo."

**A/N A chapter! Done when I was supposed to be sleeping! Don't forget, I can tell when you read this far, and I know when you don't review. O.e so REVIEW!**

**Feel free to guess Benjamin's real name!**

**Reviews increase the chances of a new chapter by 2.75 ice cream cones each :)**

**Frozen yogurt is REALLY good. Seriously, if you haven't had it, it tastes just like ice cream but HEALTHIER. But you can't taste the health. Only the yumi~**


	5. Tsundere?

The _Loveless_ café was a normal coffee shop. '_Was' _being the key word here. Before _they _ came, it was a normal café with normal people drinking normal coffee. But when _they_ got here, everything became…weird.

By _'they'_, I of course mean those accursed, godforsaken, spoiled-rotten, no-singing-talent-whatsoever Remnant boys. Don't get me wrong, Sephiroth is my best friend, but _why _oh _why_ did he adopt those little horrors!

But obviously _they_ adore me; they're at the café whenever Sephiroth isn't with them at the house, and most of the time when Sephiroth comes over for coffee, _they_'re there, following him like ducklings. _They_ call me 'Genny', too. Who calls the mighty Genesis, 1st class SOLDIER, 'Genny'?

They're so annoying. They barge into the coffee shop, and Yazoo makes some little girl cry, then Loz starts crying, then Kadaj decides that the leather booth he's sitting on is a throne. I get a migraine just thinking about _them_.

Why not just throw _them_ out of the coffee shop? Two reasons. One, I have a great amount of respect for Sephiroth, and I treasure the bond we have as rivals. Two; after _they_ reach the pinnacle of their annoying-ness and cool off a bit, they can actually be quite cute and nice.

Like that one time when they all helped me run the cafe. They went a little too far (Yazoo was in a maid outfit, for some reason, and Kadaj and Loz broke into the radio station to advertise) and they kind of started the whole mess by leaving a banana peel on the floor and letting me slip on it, but surely the thought counts…

They're pretty cute when they're asleep, too. After running around the shop making hell for me, they usually run out of hyper and eventually take a little nap together, like kittens. Did I mention that I recently became a cat person?

I can never forget that time Sephiroth had to be on a mission for two weeks, either. The trio stayed at home alone (they _are_ old enough, and no one with a head on their shoulders would mess with Sephiroth's kids) but they pretty much followed me around all day. They even somehow made it into the SOLDIER offices. They followed me around _everywhere_. I had to go to Lazard's office. 'Can we come, Genny?' I had to go to a press conference. 'Please Genny?' I had to go to the bathroom. They waited for me outside the door.

One of my rabid stalker fangirls took a picture of me when I was walking down the street to the café, and they were right behind me, _just like ducklings_. No lie. A little row of three, following me around.

The whole experience was…kind of adorable. I was still relieved out of my mind when Sephiroth got back, however. They _are_ still troublemakers; they stole Lazard's toupee, gave the anchorwoman a _sharpie_ moustache, and changed the gender signs on the bathroom so I looked like a pervert.

Why is this suddenly all tsundere! **(A/N Tsundere- in case you didn't know, means…something. I recommend . I'm not 100% sure what the literal translation is, so I don't wanna mislead ya ~ but I think its kinda like that song **_**Hot 'n Cold**_**. A character'll act all mean but really they care a lot.)**

**~The same day, but not Genesis's inner monologue~ **

"Yo. Genny." Kadaj said, walking through the door. "I want a chocolate-caramel frappachino with chocolate sprinkles."

"How many times have I told you not to call me- Oh. Why are you here by yourself?" Genesis asked, after noticing the absent spaces on Kadaj's right and left (Kadaj always walks in the middle).

"Stupid Sephy took them on a field trip to go kill some wild beasts and not me." Kadaj pouted.

Genesis knew there was probably a good reason Sephiroth left Kadaj behind, but the little adopted Remnant just looked so pathetic, slumped in his seat slurping his girlishly sweet frappachino. "Well, there's no customers right now, maybe if you help me finish cleaning the tables and floor we can go do something-"

"Thank you Genny! Thank you thank you thank you! You're the nicest person ever, y'know!" Kadaj shrieked, giving Genesis a big bear-hug before running off to finish the cleaning.

Genesis rested his chin on his hand, watching the Remnant clean at a furious, inhuman pace. 'No hope of dropping the 'Genny' today, I guess.' He thought.

"All finished!" Kadaj announced. "So where're we goin', huh? Wutai? Nibelheim? Banora?"

"Uh, I was thinking the zoo or a movie…"

Suddenly Kadaj's face fell. "But I've already been to those places. I wanna visit somewhere new!" Kadaj pouted (again, sheesh what a spoiled brat.) and stomped his foot.

"But leaving Midgar is out of the question, all those places are at least a day by land and ocean, and you have to book airship tickets in advance…" Genesis was really hoping he didn't end up disappointing the boy. "I have some 'Sights To See In Midgar' brochures from the Travel Department back at my house…"

"Genny has a house!"

Genesis wasn't sure whether to take that as an insult or not. Guess it wasn't. "I certainly don't live on the side of the road."

"I wanna see Genny's house! That'll make Loz and Yazoo jealous! Teach them to go off on a killing spree without me!"

"Uh, okay, to my house it is…"

**~At Genesis Rhapsodos's residence~**

"Hmm. I think Sephy's house is bigger than Genny's house." Kadaj said, with no ill intent.

"Oh, really?" Genesis said, annoyed. "Well, I only need room for _me_. His house is just bigger so there's room for you three." Genesis flicked the Remnant in the back of the head.

"Owowow! That's mean, Genny! Why did you flick me!" Kadaj complained.

"You insulted my house." He said, walking up to the door. "If you say things like that when you're inside," he paused for dramatic effect, "the house will eat you."

"J-just like that movie!" Kadaj panicked, and walked behind Genesis, holding onto his arm as if otherwise the house would gobble him up for breakfast and finish him up for brunch.

"Yes," Genesis said, looking down at the young man with his 'scary' eyes. "just like the movie."

"Eeep." Kadaj squeaked.

When Genesis turned on the lights in the room, Kadaj jumped a mile off the ground. Really. He hit his head on the ceiling fan. "GEENNNNY! I DON'T WANNA BECOME FERTILIZER!" He cried, running back to the man and hiding behind him.

Genesis sighed. Why do those Remnants believe everything they hear? "Look, Kadaj, the house isn't going to eat you." He said, not wanting the Remnant to start attacking his house.

"It…won't?"

"No. It was a joke. Forgive me."

"Promise?"

"Yes, Kadaj. My house already ate today." Genesis smirked as he watched the young man's face turn pale.

**~After Kadaj freaks out~**

"So this is your bedroom?" Kadaj asked, wandering around.

"Yes. Hey! Don't touch that!" Genesis yelled, snatching one of his many copies of _Loveless_ away from the young man.

"What a cluttered room." Kadaj noted.

"Well _so-rry_. I'm sure _Sephiroth's_ house is just _spotless_." Genesis said sarcastically.

"Well, the house is spotless, cause he makes us clean it, but his room is even worse than this." Kadaj said offhandedly.

"Please stop making Sephiroth sound human." Genesis asked, worried that he might lose respect for the man as his rival.

"Psh. Fine. So…" Kadaj said. "where do you keep your lube?"

Genesis, after making sure he in fact _did_ _not_ hear wrong, promptly fainted. 'What happened to the innocent boy that was afraid the house would eat him?' he wondered as his consciousness faded.

Kadaj snickered. Genesis's reaction was almost as amusing as Yazoo's. Loz hadn't known what it was and Sephiroth just grounded him for a month. He should try this on more people.

**~After Genesis has woken up and Sephiroth, Loz, and Yazoo have returned~**

"Sephiroth! Kadaj, Kadaj he asked me, he asked me-" Genesis stuttered, unable to actually form the words.

"Where your lube was?" Sephiroth finished the sentence. Genesis nodded. "He's been doing that to everyone. Don't take it personally. Yazoo almost executed him for it." He said offhandedly. "Why do you think I didn't take him on the trip?"

Genesis smacked his forehead.

**A/N :D Sorry. I couldn't resist. I really do love all of them. XD**

**I don't own FF.**

**It seems that more and more, we're deserving out T rating…**

**Review? I mean, I just wrote the story you're reading, so it's not like you have any obligation to or anything…not like it increases the chances of another chapter by 2.75 ginger snaps or anything…I hope you have a good day/night.**


	6. Oh My Genesis, We're Going to Die, Kupo

"Genny, what's this fluffy thing?" Yazoo asked, picking up Benjamin, the recently enslaved- I mean, _hired_ moogle.

Genesis ignored him and worked on his super-hard crossword puzzle.

"What's this red fluffy thing attached to the fluffy thing?" Loz asked, poking the puff on the top of the irritated animal.

Genesis filled in 'loveless' in one of the blanks.

"What does sodomy mean, Genny?" Kadaj asked, smirking as the man choked on his truffles.

"How do gay guys have sex, Genny?" Yazoo asked, picking up on the game.

Genesis choked on his coffee this time.

"Where do babies come from, Genny?" Loz asked, for once using his brain to see what was going on.

After a few minutes of awkward silence filled only by Genesis's desperate attempts to breathe again, he gasped, "That's a moogle. The thing on his head is a pom-pom. Go ask Sephiroth about the rest!"

**~So they went to go ask Sephiroth~**

"Hey, Sephy." Loz said, after the trio worked up the courage to approach their adoptive father. "What's sodomy mean?" 

"Where do babies come from?" Kadaj asked.

"How do gay guys have sex?" Yazoo asked.

Sephiroth looked at them seriously for a moment. "It is interesting to note," he said, keeping his voice ever monotone, "who asked which question. Yazoo, are you familiar with the term 'come out of the closet'?"

Yazoo was dumbfounded. "Wh-what're you talking about, Sephiroth?" he asked nervously.

"I'll talk to you in private later." And so Sephiroth went back to his paper.

**~Another Day~**

It was a blustery autumn day in Midgar, and even though there were squalls sweeping the city, most of the _Loveless_ café's regular customers were present. Reno was bothering Tseng, Elena and Cissnei were gossiping, Vincent and Nanaki were discussing current events (really just gossiping), Sephiroth was reading the paper, Yazoo was in a dress, Kadaj was brainwashing little kids, Loz was being brainwashed along with the little kids, and Benjamin the Indentured Moogle was practicing his guard dog face. Everything was what had come to be 'normal'.

Then the alarm went off.

Sirens mounted on buildings began to blare, warning the residents of Midgar that a giant tornado was on its way.

Everyone in the shop wore an expression like 'wuuzzat?' except for Benjamin, who Genesis had put in charge of safety. Benjamin was freaking out, and fluttering around in a panic. "Wh-wh-WHAAT? A tornado? Whaddya do for a TORNADO!"

Then, while everyone except Benjamin was relaxed and chill, the lights cut out.

A great number of girly screams were then heard. And manly bellows of fear. And girly men screams. And a meow. And a fart, but because of the sirens, no one heard it.

"Oh-right!" Benjamin muttered to himself, remembering his duty as Official Guard Dog. "Hey, everyone! Go down to the boiler room!"

But nobody heard, because now someone (Kadaj) was going around pantsing people. Reno was proudly displaying his Pokémon boxers, Elena and Cissnei got pictures of Tseng in his tidy whities, Genesis's

pink and purple heart boxers were also revealed. And the greatest mystery of all was answered; Sephiroth wore leather pants under his leather pants (at least that's what Kadaj said, I think he just chickened out).

'Well, _I'm _going to go down to the boiler room. You can all die for all I care, kupo!" Benjamin yelled, feeling hurt that all of them would rather act like high school students than listen to him.

But, I must say, there is a very good reason that nobody in the café worried about the monster tornado. You see, the combined awesomeness index in that shop alone was enough to defend all of Midgar from a hurricane the size of Mars.

The moral to this story is that one; acting like a high school girl is fun (especially during power outages at school) and two; it is always a good idea to amass a great amount of Final Fantasy characters in defense against storms of every kind.

**A/N there were a lot of tornados here, and the school's power shorts out all the time. It's a lot of fun. I don't own FF.**

**Whatever you do, don't review. I'm serious. You never know what could happen. Don't click that button. Don't do it! Stop! You're thinking about it right now, aren't you! I said DON'T PUSH THE BUTTON!**


	7. A Fabulous Tea Party

One day, while jamming out to his headphones, a strange concept popped into Genesis's mind.

He should throw a tea party. He did run a coffee shop, right? There's plenty of tea to spare. It seemed like a rational idea.

He'd just get Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz to be the servers, and then he and his friends could have a peaceful chat about interesting goings-on. He'd invite Sephiroth and Tseng and Vincent and that cute talking cat and Angeal and…wait, he hadn't seen Angeal since he opened the café, had he? The party would be a great place to catch up!

Genesis hummed as he worked on the invitations (fabulously pink with cursive heart font).

**At the tea party~**

The six manly men (and cat) were seated around a round table in Genesis's house. Five of them had looks of disbelief on their face, the last one was smiling as if pleased, gaily trying to make conversation at the manly pink table. **(go ahead and laugh)**

"So why haven't I seen you at the café, Angeal?" Genesis asked.

Angeal gave his friend a look and said, "I've been gone on assignment the past few weeks. Did you _really_ not notice?"

Genesis's smile froze. He'd just been so busy lately… "Tea!" he called to the kitchen behind him.

"I'm comin', I'm comin'!" Kadaj said irritably, bursting through the twin swinging doors that lead to the kitchen. He was dressed in a black halfskirt with leather Capris underneath and a leather tank top. Very fashionable for Midgar, I swear.

Loz, dressed in a suit and tie, announced, "Craps are on the way, too!" as he followed behind Kadaj.

"That's crepe." Yazoo corrected, using his hips to hold open the door . A few eyebrows were raised at his outfit; it was one of those standard maid/waitress black dresses with white lace and an apron. Everyone present knew how Sephiroth's adopted sons looked, since he showed everyone their pictures, but it took even the genius Tseng a moment to recognize Yazoo and for it to process in his brain that _Sephiroth's son is a crossdresser._

Yazoo took in the situation during the awkward silence, and pulled Genesis into the kitchen.

"You didn't tell me Sephiroth would be here!" Yazoo whisper-yelled at the redhead.

"You didn't tell me you were dressing up!" Genesis replied similarly.

"All you said was to dress nice and serve tea! This dress was 70% off!" Yazoo protested.

"I didn't make you wear it!" Genesis said, getting frustrated for getting the blame from Yazoo.

Feeling humiliated, Yazoo's mouth quivered as he held in tears. There's no way he could face Sephiroth like this!

Seeing the trauma in the questionable teen's face, Genesis relented. "If Sephiroth gives you a hard time later, I'll take the blame, okay? He would never comment on it now, in the middle of the party."

With that, they rejoined the festivities...the not-so-festive ones.

**While Genesis and Yazoo were discussing things in the kitchen, Angeal, Sephiroth, Tseng, Vincent, and Nanaki were chatting~**

"So did _you_ notice I was gone?" Angeal asked Sephiroth, who was seated on the other side of Nanaki.

"Not at all." Sephiroth replied coolly, sipping his tea and not bothering to come up with an excuse.

"I…see." Angeal sighed and looked up at the ceiling, contemplating the significance of his meager life.

"So, what do you think of the weather, Tseng?" Nanaki asked, feeling a bit awkward since the table was made up of almost all 'strong, silent types'.

"It's too hot." Tseng said as he raised his teacup to his lips as a signal that he would like to end the conversation now.

Another silence rang about the room.

"You guys are all too damn boring!" Kadaj yelled impatiently, his skirt swaying slightly as he rested his hands on his hips.

"And what do you suppose we do to remedy that?" Vincent said nonchalantly, stirring sugar into his coffee.

"How the hell am I supposed to know! Geez, I don't even know why you guys even _have_ fangirls! You barely talk and you're always serious." Kadaj huffed, spun around on his heel, and walked back into the kitchen. "I'm gonna go see what's keeping Genny and Yazoo out so long."

Just as he was reaching the swinging door, Genesis and Yazoo decided to open them. The collision and ensuing '_fuck! That HURT' _from Kadaj moved the party guests' minds a _little_ farther from the topic of Yazoo's crossdressing.

Unfortunately, as soon as Yazoo stepped back out into the room, all eyes (and minds) were on him.

Yazoo, feigning embarrassment, said, "Is there something on my face?" as he went around filling people's teacups with a forced grimace/smile on his face.

"None of you even _care _about my face! You guys are a bunch of hobags!" Kadaj screamed, throwing a tantrum to vent the pain of the giant bruise on his forehead. "Fuck you guys! I'm moving to Switzerland!"

A silence ensued as Kadaj noisily stomped back into the kitchen to get some ice.

"I had a dream one time Kadaj moved to Switzerland…" sniffed Loz, afraid that his brother was serious.

"Don't fret, Loz! Switzerland isn't even real in this world! That's like those otaku out there saying they're gonna move to Midgar!" Yazoo comforted. And, seeing an escape route, said, "I'll go make sure Kadaj doesn't move on to another magic place in the sky mountains."

When the brothers had exited the room, Kadaj and Yazoo by means of the door and Loz in the fashion of a five-year-old lost in an imaginary world, there was a brief silence before the question was raised.

In that silence, Vincent went batty and flew away on skeletal wings. (it happens sometimes to vampires when they need to laugh more)

"Ah, Sephiroth...?" Nanaki began to inquire.

"Was that Yazoo…?" Angeal continued.

"In a dress…?" Tseng finished.

Sephiroth set his tea down in a very regal manner and almost answered, just before Genesis interjected.

"Don't be too hard on him! Kids his age are just experimenting, and…" Oh no, he was losing steam, "and if you're harsh they'll get worse and…get pregnant and…die!" Genesis kept blabbering, but at that point his explanations and excuses could only get worse.

"That sounds like something a bad high school coach would say." Tseng commentated, sensing that he was now merely a spectator of the drama.

"I though Sephiroth only had sons… How could he get pregnant? This isn't some creepy fanfic." Nanaki mused.

"I feel rather neglected." Angeal said, and left the room. Needless to say, nobody noticed, since Genesis had stopped blabbering strange excuses and it looked like Sephiroth may just get a chance to speak.

Sighing, Sephiroth readied himself for speaking…

"Hey, look! A butterfly!" Loz cried. Everyone shot him a look, and even though his atmosphere sensors were underdeveloped, he had the instinctual sense to stay quiet for the room of professional fighters.

"As I was saying…" Sephiroth began, and the listeners held their breath. "I already knew of Yazoo's…hobbies. If it bothers you guys…" He said, hand on his sword's holster. "I can take care of your problems…such as being alive."

The room went cold with icy aura.

"Heh." Sephiroth chuckled. Whether he meant he was joking or he really got a kick out of scaring his acquaintances, the world may never know. As far as prudence, it is always best to stay on the safe side.

So don't question the…hobbies of Sephiroth's kids.

**(A/N) hahaha~ **

**Sorry for the super-delayed update, broskis~**

**I expect to continue this…little escapade.**


End file.
